The Ex is Back in Prison
He told me once that he was sorry. That we never get over our first loves, and he was sorry he had to be mine, because he was going to mess up my life.
Tony could be almost prophetic at times.
He is most definitely the standard by which I hold other men up to. I won’t say I’ve never found better than Tony…plenty of other boyfriends have treated me better. Some have treated me worse. But I don’t think any of them understood me like he did. Even if I didn’t like the observation he made, it was all too true.
I waited for him for ten months while he was in prison. I was the good, dutiful fiance who wrote him every week and lived for the day he was getting out, and we could start all over. And when that day came…he left me for a man.
I say that almost jokingly…I think really he left me for a whole family of people that he thought would provide better for him. Whose lives he hadn’t already “screwed up”.
I moved to Springdale to be closer to him. To see if there was a way I could get that back…though of course there wasn’t. And I was wrong…every time I saw him I couldn’t breathe, my heart stopped, and all I wanted was for him to go away. So I could pretend that horrible, horrible thing had never happened. That I hadn’t been abandoned like that.
Sometimes I dream about him…but they’re never happy dreams. We have sex, he lays beside me for a little bit…then he gets up, and tells me that I’m better off without him.
He’s right, of course. But I miss him anyways.
He’s back in prison, now. Delivering drugs, I think. And I look at his photo, posted oh-so-helpfully on the prison website, and I wonder if, had I been a little stronger, and was able to stand up against his personality instead of bowing to it…I wonder if maybe I could have made his life better.
That relationship hurt me so much, and I still miss it.
I comment on two types of blogs:
1. People I know and where I believe the author reads the comments and might actually be looking for ideas and different takes.
2. On rare occasion, joined in to reinforce others’ comments in their post. It is fruitless to argue with people in comments – or mostly anywhere on the internet – but sometimes it can be enjoyable (and, in a rare case, even constructive) to agree with other commenters.
That being said, your posting struck a chord with me, well done!
Poignant, funny how we can love someone beyond logical reason.